There are so many good shows on TV nowadays that I don’t know where I’d be without my DVR. Sometimes nothing is more relaxing than getting a fresh cup of Dunkin Donuts hazelnut coffee out of my Keurig and plopping in the chair, putting my feet up with Louie on my lap and just catching up on what’s happening, one show after another.Image

I was catching up on my DVR and watched the most recent episode of “The Good Wife” (season 5; ep. 20: ‘The Deep Web’). Towards the end of the show, Alicia was sitting on the couch talking to her Mom about her Father’s death. Alicia tells her that she is stuck being the “good one”. She recalled her dad saying “there are people who make the mess and the people who clean it up”. She went on to say didn’t know if she’s a cleaner anymore.

This totally hit home with me. HELLO! I’m a cleaner. It’s what I do. I have turned it into an art form. It could be a lovely trait, but I, as I do with so many things, take it to the extreme.  I did it with my first husband. I did it with my second. I did it with my employees, my Mom, friends…the list goes on.

I think for me, it gives me a sense of feeling wanted/needed. Yea I know, it’s sick. I like to help people. That is genuine. I hate seeing someone I care for unhappy. However, I think that my need to fly in and save the day is not only uncalled for, it probably serves more of a need for me than it does for them. I also know that the next time, after a problem has been ‘fixed’ and a new situation arrives, if I’m not a main point of contact, I tend to take it personally. Not normal personal, like SUPER DUPER personal!

We all know that line from Grey’s Anatomy, but…am I the only one who feels like that? Day in and day out? With every single aspect of my life?Image

When did I lose myself so completely that I became willing to gamble everything away for a feeling of warmth, whether it be real or not? Why did I allow myself to fall victim? I’m not a victim! So why am I accepting so much crap in my life…stuff that I would NEVER allow someone I cared for to tolerate? When did I develop this incessant need to be the ‘good’ one? The willingness to be hurt, then cry “I never did that to you”! The person who sacrifices her soul? The naïve one allowing herself to become a doormat all for a glimpse of affection?

HUMPFT … Why will I swoop in to clean up their messes but not my own? Am I waiting for someone to clean it for me? If so…where the hell are you?!  HAHAHA

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I am definitely the eternal optimist. I have a deep-rooted need to see the good in not only situations, but people. I give way more chances than most deserve, often at my expense. Then spend WAY too much time trying to figure out the ‘why’s’. See, in addition to my optimism, I must confess something to you…I suffer from Gotta-Know-Ism. That’s a self diagnosed disease where I must get to the bottom of everything. I gotta find out the reasons behind the actions. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and am very in tune as to why I do what I do. So with that in mind, I believe other people have no excuse to cop-out and say ” I dunno” when confronted about why they did or are doing something.

Why did you do that? “I Dunno”. Why do you keep hurting me? “I Dunno”. Why did you lie to me? “I Dunno”. Who is she? “I Dunno”. Are we ok? “I Dunno”.

Being an only child, I didn’t grow up with catty fights that meant nothing. To me a fight was devastating. It was final. I spend so much time trying to avoid fights (those who know me are probably laughing at that sentence but it is the truth) because I am terrified it means the end. That is why I am always trying to fix things. Silence is terribly uncomfortable. To me, it is awkward and unnatural. Then again, it’s hard to shut me up once I get going…but in all seriousness, that is why talk. So people don’t have to guess how I feel. Wonder where I stand. Imagine where I’m coming from. I make it known, loud and clear! Why can’t we all do that?Image

There are people who make the mess, and there are people who clean it up. I just need to figure out how to become my own cleaner along this journey.

When all is said and done, I’m glad to be a cleaner. It’s who I am.

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