I thought that blogging this journey would help but I have been sitting here starring at a blank page for at least 20 minutes. Thoughts racing through my head so fast I cant focus on a single one long enough to formulate what seems like a rational thought. Haven’t been able to write one time since it all happened. Maybe its a fear of being judged. The thought of finality in writing it down. Worried nobody else ever felt the same way. I dunno.
Our minds are a funny thing. They allow us to create a fantasy world. We have the ability to close our eyes and retreat to a safe haven. We can believe what we want, and forget what we need to forget. But when reality unleashes her wrath, there is no denying it. Not even for me, and trust me, I’m a wiz at living in a fantasy world!
For the past 2 years I have trapped myself on life’s roller coaster. From riding the highest of highs, to crashing down the lowest of lows. This past January I turned 41, and in my years I have had my share of heartaches as well as triumphs. However, this time I have severely struggled to get back on my feet. Two things usually hold me back from moving forward and letting go.
1. Demanding answers. Why did this happen? How could everything fall apart when it all just came together? When will the tears stop falling? Why isn’t the pain going away? How come I am the only one hurting? Why am I the one suffering?
2. Refusing to accept reality. It has to get better. But I can forgive. This isn’t how I treated you. This isn’t how its supposed to be!
Days turn into weeks…weeks into months…months into years. Nothing changes.
Then the light bulb goes off…I have to change, AGAIN!
WTF! I’m tired of being the one to change. Tired of being the one to compromise. Tired of being the one who has to be the bigger person, I did all that. Went down that road. Bought the T-shirt. Look where it got me. Give and you’ll receive, treat how you want to be treated. Not buying it, sorry.
People are fake. People manipulate,
I can’t tell you how many were around when times were good. How many wanted to run wild…where are they now? Where were they when it was going on? They all knew. Not so much as a Happy Holidays text. I no longer exist.
I took the high road. I was the better person. But now….they broke me. Changed me. I can feel it. I’m bitter. Sad. Different.
I don’t want to be different. I want to be the same person who gives without second guessing. I want to be the same person who loves without wondering why you’re there. I want to be the same person who can go to sleep at night without remembering and crying…but I’m not.
2 years. How much longer will it take?
I miss who I was.