Some days I wish there was a way to pick and choose things in life. Kinda like hand picking those things to relive…certain feelings…bring people back into your life who left…stuff like that. I wish there was a crystal ball to show you how things will end up based on certain decisions you made. A way to show how things could have been different if it would have played out the other way. I sit back and wonder how life would have been different if my father would have still been alive, or at least not died when I was so young. If my Gramps would have been around longer…how would my life have been if I wasn’t an only child. Would I have learned more about relationships? Would I know more about how to be me and let things go? Who knows.
Obviously we will never know those things but I have always been a “what if” kinda gal. Always wondering what will happen if this does, or what an outcome should or shouldn’t be. It gets pretty exhausting to be honest. Sometimes I wish I knew how to just live. Just say fuck it….who cares what others think…who cares what they say…but I’m not like that. I mean, for the most part I’m not a crowd follower, but I am a people pleaser…to a fault.
And since we are on the honest thing, I have become quite the bitch lately. I mean, I am not into the games…the idle talk to just be friends. I don’t wanna hear your bullshit and your lies. I think that the majority of people have become extremely fake to the point that with the exception of a few friends I grew up with…I have a very small social circle….that I trust! See that’s the key…that I trust.
I don’t trust many people. I don’t open up, like really open up to many. Most of the time I keep it in. I notice that I cry a lot. I talk to myself and cry. Pretty pathetic I know…but one of my dogs will come over sensing that something is wrong and I sit there petting them wondering why humans can’t be more like dogs!
Why can’t people genuinely care for others regardless of how they look…how much money they have…etc? Why can’t humans forgive like dogs do? Ever notice how much they missed you when you get home, even if you yelled at them before you left? Ever notice that they are always willing to play ball, or snuggle on the sofa?
As I grow up I realize that it’s the very things that we either missed out on or feel we lost when we were young that we spend out adult lives fighting to get back. It doesn’t matter how old we get I believe that we all want the same things even if it’s in different forms.
And I’ve always realized that even as adults, when we can’t get those things we want and need…it throws us right back to those childhood feelings all over again…but worse. Worse because as an adult we feel the need to remain composed. We want to feel a part of something…and rejection hurts so much more as an adult because resilience is something I have come to accept diminishes with age.